On dessine...

La sanguine. Reaching deep inside. En francais, sang means blood. And perhaps it takes that color to produce something primal. Il faut apprendre une autre langue.

This time I went to Claud's by myself. I bought a huge sketch pad a few weeks ago. It felt a bit silly toting about all this big white paper.

The ultimate imposter. She lives in paris and has a huge sketch pad. She is neither french nor an artist but nothing seems to stop her. She says she is timid, she says that she is a beginner, but watch her do all the things she says she is afraid of doing.

When I was in Hawaii I painted a picture I titled THE IMPOSTER. I love that painting. It's just a bunch of dogs with sunglasses. But for those willing to look, there really is an imposter in the midst. And I see now that its me. A quick look and you can assume that I am like all the others. And I am....

So the lesson is to loosen. One would think its the hand, or the arm, or the method, but I am beginning to realize its more in the sang. Its just that integral. So art is a translation. No, not of what we see, but of what we feel. Can I turn what I see into emotion? Can I feel the heaviness of her breasts or the lightest of her arms or the liveliness of her stretch?

Yes I can..but its going to take a while. I looked around me last night. I am standing in the middle of my second art class at Claud's. I feel like a kid too short to reach the sink. CAN I GET A LIFT UP PLEASE??? Its just not possible! If you want to reach the sink you must GROW! Its that simple! So I didn't dare look to the right or left. Out of the nine people there last night, there is no doubt I am the imposter. When I dare to take a glance I make a silent gasp. oooh my gawd its sooo beautiful. I see a woman is sketching using flat strokes of charcol for shadows. It's cubic yet it has the sensuous lines and curves. I haven't seen art this good in stores!!! Oh and to the right of me..its sensitivity and touchability. This is horrible! I'm standing in the midst of genius and Claud begins us with 5 minutes a pose. A human needs to breath more often than every 5 minutes. ok, panting is allowed....5....4....3....2......1. There is a sound of pages flipping as we begin again.

This time I knew there would be a break. I sheepishly put the next clean page up and take the offered orange juice. People are mingling and chatting. We have a big class tonight and I am content to be invisible.

I notice that people are also walking around and looking at each other's work. Hey thats a good idea, I can learn this way. Some people sketch with la sanguine, others are doing water color or black charcol. yes..all in 5 minutes. Everyone's work is absolutely delicious, passionate, moving, expressive, exciting. I go from one medium to the next and my amazement is on a nice buzz.

An older woman and I begin to chat a bit. She is really unimpressed with me. "So where is your work:", she asks me. "Oh, non, je suis debutante, je ne veux pas les montre." I say this in my best 'i'm so fragile you don't want to force me to do anything' voice. "C'est RIDICULE!!!" she bellows out! " Montre moi!!! et pourquoi pas!" She not only demands to see my work, she calls me ridiculous for hiding it! She proceeds not only to look at my work but comments on everything. She asks me what am I afraid of..il faut commencer , c'est tout! She is ranting at me. She is listing all the reasons why my fear is absolutely to be ignorned!!! Ca te plait non??? She asks me..yes yes, I want to learn, I like it. She is flipping the pages of my pitiful imposter's pad and making comments, pointing, reflecting, suggesting. Even the MODEL is there looking on...I apologize..desole mais tu as grossie dans mes dessines! hahaha yes she looks a bit fatter in my sketches!!!

But as this women continues to rant, I feel the scales of inhibition giving way. Her words penentrate me, her confidence moves me, she is freeing something deep within me. Desire. Passion. Emotion. I feel something loosening. She is going deep with her accusations. She is battling the fear within me and she is winning. I feel my 'sang' moving within me and I can see my art come alive.