AMSTERDAM

AMSTERDAM. Need I say more? Already it conjures up so many images. Legalized soft drugs. Legalized prostitution. Canals. Little boats for shoes. If you are imaging all this, you are right. I have always wanted to go to Amsterdam. I got as far as the airport once.

Jenny and I decided on Sunday in about 60 seconds to go to Amsterdam. She had had a tiff with her boyfriend about smoking weed. It was silly because she doesnt smoke at all here in Paris, but did while in Germany. "grrr, the one thing I want to do now is FIND a joint!" she told me.

Ok, so it was 1am Thursday night. We had had about 3 cappuccinos and were chattering about our road trip that we would begin the next morning. "This is sooo cool! We are going to Amsterdam!" We looked at each other, 'hey lets go now!!!!!" It was instantaneous, and why not? We were awake, the trip planner said it would take five hours and we were, AWAKE!!!

I just love the way we kept saying..WE ARE SO SMART. It seemed like such a good idea. So I packed in the dark (cuz my apt barely has any light in the bedroom), threw things in a bag (some falafels, spaghetti sauce and pasta) cuz we knew we would have a kitchen, and we tiptoed down the stairs around 1:30am.

There was no traffic. We were alone on the streets of Boulogne. We giggled to ourselves, marveling at this wonderful plan. In 5 hours we will be in Amsterdam. We are so SMART!!!

Fifteen minutes later we were still in Boulogne. No, not stoned, just dumb. How do you get on the periferique???? How do you get out of Paris??? There is a circular 'autoroute' that one must get on to get outta town. Nothing is obvious,everything is in circles and diagonal streets, therefore forget about logic. We entered and exited Boulogne then Paris several times. Already the trip planner was lying to us.

Ten hours later we were in Amsterdam. We had driven through the night, at times feeling incredibly excited, and at times feeling we that would never get out of LILLE. Each big city was a huge mystery. We didnt have a good map. It showed the cities but not the routes in any detail. We had a trip planner that lied. We might as well have driven blind the rest of the way.

Avoid the RING. Avoid Antwerp! There is Ring 1 and Ring 2. They are woven together to perform evil deeds and to punish the innocent. Unless invited, you will never enter the city, unless released, you will never leave the ring. Beware.

We exited RING 1 several times only to find ourselves back in the RING. It didnt even seem possible. One can go in circles in a forest but on the ring, straight lines will only create a larger RING. It was 5am and we were not feeling so smart, then we started feeling cursed. "It just doesnt make sense, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!!" Jenny cried out after the fifth failed attempt. She asked me what the maps and trip planner said. I just couldn't see anymore. The trip planner just said that we would have been in Amsterdam at this point.

"Okay, if this doesnt work I GIVE UP!!!" Jenny screached. We had been circling the ring for some time now. These city rings are several miles long Thus far, all the exits have just been entrances back to the RING. I couldnt believe my ears. Is this it? Are we simply too tired and too ill-equipped to get to Amsterdam?

But exactly at that moment the veil lifted. A sign appeared. It was the exit we had been looking for. We had gone completely around both RINGS and somehow found the portal. We don't know how, we don't know why, we just don't want to return.

"It's not possible, it shouldn't work, but it does and I accept it!" Jenny must have said this at least 5 times during our adventures negotiating cities along the way. The roads were a labyrinth and we were her captives. We threw the trip planner and the ancient european map on the floor and just drove on instinct.

People had warned us about having a car in Amsterdam. Its true, everyone is on bikes there. Jenny and I were determined to have the ultimate experience. We had driven 10 hours, gotten past the ring, felt reasonably coherent, had till 3 pm to check into the room, so why not go visit a coffee shop?

Coffee shop is code for place to buy coffee and ask for a menu of hash and weed. However at the 'cafes' they just sell COFFEE. Okay so how do we do this.

The town was empty so it was easy to find parking but we were so excited to finally arrive, we couldn't decide where to put the car. So why not drive into the center and park the car and hang out there for awhile?

Okay, car parked, keys, everything is locked. We are on a very a business like street. We are far from the center of amsterdam where all the little shops and canals are located. Nevertheless at 10am, on a very blah stretch of road is an open coffee shop. Cool.

I am sure we are the first customers. wow! I have always heard about this. I am not a pothead. But I am curious. Weed. Legal. Doesn't seem to go together. In fact its not legal, its just not regulated. Okay so we look at the menu.

We decide to try two different items on the menu. Everything is very inexpensive. We also order a cappucinno. I take a deep breath..wow, its really happening.

I can't roll a joint. I don't even smoke. So I sit there watching Jenny go through the process. This is so amazing. We are finally in Amsterdam and I am in a COFFEE SHOP. Its so cool. I am already so relaxed. Jenny hands me a joint made of just weed. She is making another with hash and tobacco. We are incredulous, its really happening.

We had forgotten that we had just drove 10 hours and had not slept. I had been up late the night before so actually had very little sleep. The effects of a few puffs are quite powerful. Then Jenny said, "You know, after this I can't drive." WHATTTT?

Oh non. What were we thinking??? We are paying 2 euro/hour for parking. We would have to move it or pay continously.

It was so funny. Instantly I went from..dude I'm in Amsterdam, mode...to..SOBER UP WE GOTTA DRIVE that car outta here! I can't get stopped by the police!! I can't get jailed. I can't..JENNY don't look so stoned!

It was just too funny!!!! We were so exhausted from our night of driving, we didnt need drugs to look tired. WALK IT OFF. But this was serious. We had to drive that car out of the city or pay more than our room rent to park the car in the city.

We left the coffee shop immediately and started walking. We are so stupid!!! Everyone knows you don't park in amsterdam. And it is illegal to drive under the influence!!!

We had a quick snack in the car and then started walking. We walked into the center of the city then back out again. Now it was 2pm and we had literally walked for miles. I was determined to be clean and sober!!! Well ragged and sober. I had to call the landlord, find a free place to park the car and not get arrested!! ouffff

Suffice to say, all went well. In fact now that I'm back in my wonderful apartment in Boulogne, I can say that everything went perfectly. We had a beautiful room in an apartment that we shared with a student couple from Australia, and the other pair were 2 friends (women in their 50's) visiting from Ireland. Our common room was the kitchen and toilet and bathroom. There were a maze of doors and locks to ensure everyone's privacy but like the irish woman said," Well I blame me constipation on those nasty locks and doors! You never know when someone is going to come in knocking! I forgot to lock me door the other day and a bloke came right in with me on the toeeeeelet. Now I sit there with a hand on each door and I can't accomplish a thing sitting there like that!" We were just cracking up!!!!!

Rita was so funny and frank. She then told us that she had never tried THE WEED before and fancied to buy some hash cakes with her friend Bernie. No, no, no!!! We warned her. I can't imagine what would happen to those two irish ladies if they ate hash cakes at a coffee shop. I only regret not having their picture. Bernie and Rita , two grannies from Ireland, here to shop and perhaps try hash cakes for the first time. We certainly are in Amsterdam.

And then there was the couple. They were research scientists visiting labs around europe to find employement. OH MY GAWD..and they were BRAIN researchers!!! I am sure they could tell us a thing or two about the effects of weed or hash on the brain.

Just as they left the apt, our landlord showed up in a tizzy because there was a problem with the rental.

It appeared that the couple were suppose to leave that day but had left their things in the room (guess they just had book smarts!) He had another couple coming in in an hour. Rita and Bernie were in their room. What was he to do? He actually had another option. The house boat. He could let the couple stay where they were, and then put this other party on the boat.

I already knew that the house boat was 3 times more expensive and a thousand times better. Jenny said, hey tell him WE would go to the houseboat!!! And I did. And he said, yes sure! that would be better for me too. WHAT? We are going to be on a houseboat in Amsterdam?????

We packed up in 5 minutes. I pulled the sheets for him, we cleaned up the room ourselves, WE ARE GOING TO A HOUSEBOAT!!!!!

We spent hours with our feet dangling over the water waving at the people who motored by. We were 10 minutes walk outside of the Center, we had our own bedroom, huge livingroom and kitchen, and we were on a houseboat. Incroyable. We ate the best cheese, drank VLA (a pudding that is drinkable and yummy, and unique to Netherlands, I think.), and fed the non duck bird that stayed at our window. It was incredible. No, it was perfect. We are so smart :)